Lost in the darkness
by Manaliac
Summary: post NM.After Edward left, Bella tried to move on, it results on something terrible. who will save her from the abyss where she fell. canon pairing B/E
1. pain

Hello everyone, this is my first story in english; so be gentle :) (currenlty it's my third language lol)

disclaimer : I don't own Twilight

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_I'm not good enough for you…_

_I'm tired of pretending…_

Those words hurt. They dig everyday deep in my flesh, scarring all what was left of me. It's truly amazing and disappointing that I didn't die from the pain his words caused to me.

I begged death every day, but death wouldn't come, and I am tired of pretending. Pretending that I'm fine. But I did this damned promise. And I tried my best to fake a normal life, but my heartbreak was killing me, I died four months ago in the woods, when he left me. Like some garbage he didn't need anymore. But I knew better, I already knew that I wasn't enough.

How I could be enough, with all my plainness and my clumsiness? He was everything; beautiful when I was plain, a prodigy when I didn't have any talent. He was everything and I was nothing. I knew that painful truth but it didn't keep me from wanting him, from the bottom of my heart. I was like a moth bewitched by a blazing flame.

I died that day and I have to live, for the sake of the others. My dad, is always watching me with his worried glances, he knew me well. He waked up every night the first month scared by my screams.

I used to have nightmares, dreadful and somehow gore, they began with me walking in those woods, until I reached the meadow, our meadow. No, not our anymore but only him. And there he stood, in all his glory, inhuman beautiful boy watching me with a calculating look. I drank in all his perfection, capturing his features, remembering his cold and so warm embraces. Then he launched at me in his vampiric speed, and sinks his teeth in my skin. I always smell my blood running down my throat, and I heard his groaning. And I feel beautiful for the first time. Because I know that he craved my blood, He craved me.

That makes me worthy. Wanted.

But when he finished his feeding, he always threw me like a disgusting bug.

That's what I was keeping you for, useless pet. I'm done, and it will be like I'd never existed.

Cruel words, but indeed it was truth. Before Ed.., before he left me, I didn't know what he saw in me, in this obscure clarity, I understand that I was only an experiment, a distraction.

But I forgive him, I really do. Thanks to him, I was happy. Everyday was a bliss. I loved his family like mine. And it hurt me that they left without a mere goodbye. I wasn't worth a goodbye. My best friend, she left. But I forgive her, I forgive them. And if everyday now feels like hell, it will be me the culprit.

If only I was more.

If only the pain stops. My chest ache every second, every breath. Every beat of my useless heart.

I tried to return to be the old and plain Bella, but I couldn't. My friends at school abandon me when I didn't answer any of their questions. Who truly could blame them really? I looked like a ghost. And I continued acting as Robot Bella. Going to school, preparing food for Charlie and screaming at night. Is it a crime to love so much? So why did it hurt so badly?

And now I am currently looking at the sailing, remembering when I was His Bella. I can't see my own reflection anymore because I will see why he left.

And I am glaring at the fascinating sailing.

Bella

Blue sailing. Blue, it was _his_ favorite color.

Bella! Look at me.

I snapped from my daydreaming and stare back at Charlie.

What's up, dad?

Bella, I've have enough, you are acting like a zombie, you won't go out anymore, It's not healthy. I speaked to Renée and she agreed to take you back with her.

Renée. Leaving. Forks. Ed… Him !

No, no you can't make me dad! I'm really fine here! Please don't do that! I could hear the sound of my chest ripping for pain. _It would be like I've never existed._

Please Dad, I'll put more efforts, I'll go out with my friends, don't make me go!

I bored my stained and pleading eyes into his, they were watery. I am really the worst. Making my dad cry. I can't keep a simple promise..

Okay kiddo, you know that I love having you here with me.

Thank you dad, I will be alright. I'll call Angela later and go to cinema.

Good, Bella please I want you happy…

I will be fine, don't worry dad, I'm going downstairs to make dinner, alright?

Let's go to the dinner Bella.

Sounds good, let me change.

I have to try hard to make my dad happy. But I am afraid of the reaction of Angela and the others; I don't have the energy to fake more. I'm so tired.

Day after day, I keep looking at my former friends, hoping they will take the hint. Angela, god bless her, was the first to smile hesitantly I must add. But I took my chance, and I smiled back. From that day, we talked. It was awkward at the beginning, but she avoided asking me The question that I dreaded.

Charlie was pleased with my restored friendship. And I really was better. With her kindness, Angela kept me from madness. She loved speaking about Ben, her boyfriend and the college where she will go. And I loved hearing her talking. Because, it was somehow, what my future would be; if I was more.

Jacob was my savior. That was my first thought when I saw his radiant smile.

I met him a few times when Billy came to watch some match with Charlie. He always was silent, watching me cooking dinner. But I could sense his comforting. And naturally, I visited him in La Push when he asked me to come there.

I spent so many afternoons watching him building his car, humming some songs although I told him I didn't listen to music anymore. But he saw through me.

With his grinning and his warmth, I began to smile. I knew for certain that it was only a pause in my constant pain, but I was looking impatiently after those peaceful moments with him in his garage.

He irradiates life. And I, like someone who was kept in dark too long , couldn't resist the urge to be near him. He was my sun. His company kept me from mourning my loss and I'll be eternally grateful to him for that. He rescued me when I had those morbid thoughts.

I knew for sure, that he saw more than a friend, but I told him that I couldn't. I couldn't.

And he understood, telling me that he will wait. I couldn't tell him the truth. That I will never be ready to love someone other than Him. I felt really bad because I knew he hoped that someday I will snap from my heartbreak and I will be his. I was selfish again. Plain, boring and selfish Bella.

Jacob introduced me to Quil and Embry, two of his best friends. They were so funny, and acting like teenagers do. Teasing each other and helping Jake with the Rabbit.

We went few times to First Beach and I really did have fun. The weather was like usual terrible, but with my personal sun, it didn't bother me.

We met Sam Uley, the man who rescued me that night when I was lost in the woods. Unconsciously I held a grudge against him. Because of him, I didn't die. Because of him, I lived in misery.

He watched the boys with a creepy look, and it caused me to shiver. Jacob, stood then, and held me with a firm and warm arm. He told me later, that Sam seemed to be in some cult and that the elders worshiped the air he breathed. He was followed soon by Paul and Jared, two other boys from the rez.

The walk like they own the place; protectors my ass, they must be in some mafia gang! That's what Jacob said, he was angry and somehow worried. I tried my best to ease his preoccupations, because if he ordered me to jump from a cliff, I'll do it without thinking.

I think, I never can explain how he repaired me. Thanks to him, my relationship with Charlie improved a lot, and I could see that he was beyond happy with me. Thanks to him, I had Embry and Quil as friends. I own him so much and I can never repay him, so I try to be a good friend.

Unfortunately it didn't last long. I was condemned to live a painful life and the following weeks proved it.

After an awkward cinema session with both Mike and Jake, he didn't call me anymore. I tried to reach him and Billy caught all of my calls and told me that Jake has a fever, and that it wouldn't do me good if I caught it too. I spent seven painful days waiting for my sun, but he didn't come. It seemed then, that I was cursed. Cursed to be broken forever. Without a love, without a sister and without a friend.

I started to avoid Angela again. She faced me and told me what the hell was wrong with me, but I couldn't form the words. Telling the truth out hurt more. I didn't know how she guessed what was wrong, but she told me to grow up and to confront that ass who was pretending to be my friend. I sobbed violently in her arms and thanked her.

I drove faslty than ever, not caring about security and went to La Push. Billy opened the door, and looked at me pained:

He's not here Bella, go back, he will see you soon. But my heart knew better.

I'm sorry Billy but I need to see him.

So I dodged him and went to Jake's room. He was laying in his bed, snoring loudly.

I saw red. I was breaking down and he was snoring? What the fuck is wrong with him? So I screamed hard:

Jacob Black! Wake up you moron!

He jumped out from his bed, surprised by my outburst looking at me dumbly, and I really look at him then. My Jake wasn't my Jake anymore, in that muscled and toned body, I didn't recognize my teenager friend anymore, he was a man.

Bella , what are you doing here? He was angry and that me furious.

I came to see my ill best friend, but you seemed more than friend!

He dragged me outside and his face become cold and blank:

I don't want to see you anymore.

What? Jake what's wrong? Tell me? Did I hurt you? I will be more open! I promise Jake.

I was panicking, did I do something wrong? I couldn't live in dark, I couldn't give up my sun.

I'm not good enough Bella, I can't do this…

And he was gone. I think that he was gone. Because I was gone too. I was in an abyss so dark and hurtful. I'm not enough. I know that. Jake saw me, he saw the really me, he saw the plain old Bella and couldn't stay with her anymore. Of course, it's right. Who would stand someone as boring as me? I can't stand myself, so I understood him.

He used the same words Edward used that time. Of course. I cant' cry, I mustn't. I can't do this anymore. I'm done. They were right.

Don't cry, don't scream. Think of Charlie. Charlie. Dad. Daaaaaaaaaaaad!

Don't cry, don't scream. Don't reap your heart from your chest. I am not dead?

I'm not sure how I returned to home, but I managed to do it. Robot Bella cooked the dinner. She served the fish and went to her room.

I can't think, I can't remember. Thinking is painful, remembering is killing me.

Thanks to Charlie, I didn't go to school. I couldn't. I couldn't move. Breathing hurts. I failed everything.

I woke up, after a sanglant dream where He drained me, and where Jake turned into a geant beast. They were laughing at me, lying in the muddy ground, in those woods where I died a few months ago.

I changed myself and glued my eyes to the mirror. To my reflection. The ugly and boring Bella. I looked horrible, but I smiled a genuine smile and brush my tooth. I eat the breakfast Charlie prepared earlier and drove to the cliffs. Ironic huh? He didn't ask me to jump, but I will do it. I am done. I am loosing my sanity, between the sweet voice which kept telling me lies and bullshit and the last friend I lost tonight.

I couldn't stand more, really I think there is a limit to the pain I can bear. And I reached it long time ago; so I will ease my misery. Everyone will be happy, including myself. If I go to hell, there will be no remainders of him, of them there. I prefer to rot in hell . That's my choice and nobody can take it back.

I stood near the boarder of the cliff, listening to my last beats. I was appeased and calm. I should have done this sooner. It would have saved a lot of pain to Jake.

Goodbye. And I jumped.

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so what's your opinion? shall I continue?

see you soon!


	2. Goodbye

**Hello again ! I hope you'll like this chapter !**

**I must warn you, this is a really sad chapter so brace yourself and be strong ! ( I cried while writing it !)**

**Disclaimer : I don't own twilight ( Sad but true)**

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_I jumped_

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When I jumped and drowned in the raging ocean, i wasn't afraid. Really death seems nice and a relief. I remember seeing him near to me in the freezing water, he looked at me like he used to. With his gentle eyes and crooked smile. And I was happy, he will be the last one I will see before disappearing from this sad world. My lungs gave in, and the salt water flood in my throat. Death is peaceful and almost soothing. And then I closed my eyes, missing him already, but ready to surrender. And I died.

_"These violent delights have violent ends and in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which as they kiss consume."_

Something warm was shaking me, they were right. Hell is warm. I wonder if I'll open my eyes or not. Was I ready to finally see my purgatory? I heard some shooting, and my body began to shake violently. Are they already torturing me? Well, I guess, I have to take responsibility of my decisions. So I brace myself, waiting for the pain to begin.

_heaven's not enough...you think you have found it and it uses you  
heaven's not enough,if once i''m there, I don't remember you_

I waited and waited, but then nothing. Something was really weird. I remembered hearing something awkward. A beating's heart. Suddenly I opened my eyes and stared at my surroundings. I was laying on the sand. First Beach. No,no,noooooo! Don't tell me that I failed my own death.

_I was a failure. A weak human. _

- Bella? Are you fine?

I turned to look at the boy, no the man I corrected myself, who was not my best friend anymore. His cloths or the remaining of them were wet. His face was worried, why? He told me that he didn't want me anymore? So what's the point of all this comedy? Is he trying to torture me more? Was I not suffering enough?

I look at his beautiful eyes, and frowned, he wasn't not my Jake. He was someone else's. Who took him? Was it Sam? I saw a tattoo in his shoulder, it was some tribal design. Guess I was right. But it didn't matter anymore. I felt nothing. All my self loathing and hurt were hidden, deep inside me. I won't bother others.

- Bella! Do you hear me? How are you?

- I'm fine thanks!

- Listen Bells... Bells, dad was always calling me Bells when I was a child.

- Bella! He shouted.

- What? I told him with a resigned tone._ I won't cry. I won't scream. I won't reap my chest. Focus._

- What the hell were you thinking? What's wrong with you? What did you do that? You could have drown? His tone was sad and may be hurt, or it is disappointment.

May be he was sad because I failed. I missed my suicide , how pathetic!

I didn't answer, it didn't matter to me anymore, talking was a waste of time. Words hurts more than beating, so I stayed silent.

- Listen Bella, I must to talk to you about something very important, but it's not the right time now, Harry Clearwater is dead, he has a heart attack and your dad is at the hospital.

Harry Clearwater? Dead? How sad! Poor dad, he was his fishing buddy for a long years with Billy along. Charlie didn't need to deal with his crazy daughter when his friend is gone. So, I opened my mouth and said :

- I'm, I'm sorry for your loss, I will go back at home, don't tell Charlie about this okay?

- Sure, but what were you doing? Have you lost your mind? I was worry sick when I saw you jumping!

_Lies and lies. Don't cry, don't scream. Focus_.

- Hum,mmm. I'll go now. I stood without tripping! What a miracle, and turned to head to my car, but a strong hand graped me from behind.

- Bella, please ... I'm sorry. I need to see you tonight, okay?

_It doesn't matter what I want  
It doesn't matter what I need  
It doesn't matter if I cry  
Don't matter if I bleed  
_

- Whatever, was my answer. Really, I am done. I wouldn't fall anymore for all the lies. _I'm sorry_.

Did they know how sorry I was? They didn't understand the meaning of this word. They throw it anywhere when the situation didn't turn like they expected. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. I'm sorry I wasn't more.

I didn't look back, though I could feel his eyes digging a hole in my back. I went to home and did some laundry. My life or my inexistent life was a huge mess.

_Love is dead tonight_

_I killed it with my own hands_

_In my bruised heart_

_I grabbed then __ strangled it_

_With a resolute sigh_

_My heart was free_

_Free to fly in the infinite_

_Tonight, it will change_

_In this bath of scarlet tears_

_Love is expiring his last breaths_

_In this crimson whirl_

_My heart finally understood_

_That was you who crashed it_

_Tomorrow it will be the end_

_Tomorrow love and my heart won't be_.

Really I was tired of dragging my corpse everywhere. I was tired of breathing . My eyes were tired of the pitiful looks that people were giving me. And more importantly, my ears were tired of hearing words. Hurtful words and lies.

When Charlie came back, he took me in his shaking arms for some long minutes, and I hugged him back. He was the only one with Angela who loved the pathetic me. And guilt engulfed the hole where my heart should be. If I succeeded in killing myself, Charlie would have suffered more. He didn't deserve that. We ate in silence when Jake tried to call me, but I didn't answer and told Charlie that I wasn't ready to forgive Jake's behavior. He understood, and told Jake that I was sleeping.

_Forgive. Deserve.__ I didn't have the right to judge people. There was nothing to forgive. I understood clearly what he did. I will let him go. I will let them go._

_It will be like I've never existed._

May be he was right. May be he knew I was too weak to hold his memory for too long. But I was pretty sure he didn't know, that I would die the day I will let him go. Because I couldn't exist in a world where he wouldn't be. I couldn't live in a world where he would be, apart from me. So it's hopeless, whether he's real or not, I couldn't stay. But for the Charlie's sake, I will fake happiness until I will graduate, and go to college.

Even if I cry black tears and scream  
Tomorrow will come with an unfamiliar face  
And I'll come up against the same pain  
If those days are going to continue  
Then I want to go far away  
Even though I know it's selfish of me..

There I will stop this.

That night, I didn't dreamed of _them_. I was in a white place, it was dull and somehow more scaring. I kept walking in the white floor without seeing any change.

I woke up more worried about the dream than usual. I couldn't figure well what will happen in the future, but I could sense something changing. For the worst or the worst? Always the worst.

It amazed me how I changed after I met Edward. Before him, I preferred solitude and books, I wouldn't open to anyone. Even my mom couldn't reach me when I was focused in some captivating story. Through books, I could live so many lives. I could be the person I always dreamed I would be. I was the heroine. He couldn't understand why I was fascinated with Wuthering Heights. And I wonder sometimes why I was so transfixed with that book.

The answer is so easy, I envied the love that Heathcliff and Catherine shared. It was so passionate and so deep that I cried the first time I read it. I knew that no one would love me like that. Those two lovers share a unique bond against all the odds. And I am happy I loved Edward that much and more. My heart was beating for him and melted anytime he was in sight.

"_He shall never know how I love him; and that, not because he's handsome...but because he'__s more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."_

"_Nelly, I am Heathcliff! He's always, always in my mind—not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being."_

_He'll always be a part of me._

"_Because misery, and degradation, and death, and nothing that God or Satan could inflict would have parted us, you, of you own will, did it."_

_It was the sad truth, I wouldn't leave him under any circumstances._

And I am happy , I can say now that I truly understand what it feels like to love so dearly. I am happy I can say I was alive. I felt my heart beating for someone so precious to me. And as for me, I won. In this short time that our relationship lasted, I lived a whole and beyond perfect life. But everything comes to an end, and now I must accept it's the right time to slip away from this existence.

I won't look anymore at the sweet shadow who always is with me, spilling kind lies and faking worries. I will let him go forever so he can be happy, he deserve so much. I will not speak anymore to Jake, so he can live and meet someone better than me. My sacrifice to keep Charlie smiling will cost me oblivion. I will keep them somewhere in me without bringing them every time I blinked. For Charlie, for my dad. Because I loved him.

I was Sunday and the funerals were due next Monday. I decided to say goodbye. A goodbye to the meadow that I didn't visit anymore in my dreams or rather my nightmares. A farewell to the place where I felt so much bless. I would let it go.

I took off with after Charlie went to visit the Black. I was ready to walk for hours. I managed to reach it within a few hours and without tripping on the floor which was weird. It seemed I gained more coordination these days.

When I saw the place, I felt like a knife was drove in my heartless chest. One word to describe the place : desolation. It was ruined, no flowers and no grass. Devastated like my life was ripped. I stood there stupidly for a long time before turning to some noise.

I felt my knee weakening from the shock and speechless. In front of me , stood a beautiful creature . Laurent. He was staring at me with a calculating look.

-Isabella, what an amazing surprise ! Lies.

- hello Laurent, I didn't know you were visiting.

- Yeah, I would have liked to visit the Cullens, but Their home was empty, and their scents very faint in the air.

- Yes, they moved a few months ago. To avoid the never aging thing.

- well, I see the left you behind, you must be some pet to them.

A pet, I never thought of a definition so fitting.

- You are right.

- Did they visit often?

I paid no attention to the ghost screaming : lies Bella , besides me. I hated lies.

- No, they are gone for good.

- What an amazing news! Now, I can fulfill the wish of my dear friend Victoria and kill you. How delicious!

- She wants to kill me, why?

- Are you rally dense? She lost her mate and wants to take revenge from you!

Victoria. I forget her. I didn't know that she was James's mate. Of course, she wants revenge, I understand that.

- I will do you a favor and kill you quickly.

I didn't answer. He was right. A quick and proper death. In one second, his mouth was glued to my throat, sniffing in delight my mouthwatering scent.

I assure my dear Bella, that it is better than what Victoria has in store for you.

- Whatever.

He opened his mouth to sink his teeth in my skin, when he froze. He jerked from me and turned his head to the left, his eyes widening with surprise and shock:

- Impossible...

Then he runned, like hell was at his tail. Or may be , because seven monstrous beasts comes from the woods. The giant creatures snarled before chasing Laurent. I feared death for them, because there was no way they could win against his inhuman strength.

I sat there, relieved I didn't die again. _For Charlie, for my dad._

I headed back to home, it was dark outside and I needed to make dinner for my dad. I remembered that someone called and that Charlie answered. I didn't heard him talking a lot.

What troubled me were the noise I heard that night when he thought I was sleeping. He was crying. I couldn't go and see him because I was a coward. I was scared to discover that it was me the cause of his distress.

I didn't know how I managed to sleep, but indeed I did. Because of the exhaustion I felt yesterday, I woke up late. When I was downstairs, I saw him. Jacob, not Jake anymore. He was with Charlie, whom eyes were puffed from crying.

- Hey dad, what's the matter? Is someone hurt?

He didn't respond, and I was more worried.

- Is it Renee, Phil? Dad say something !

It was Jacob who speak, his face was tired, from lack of sleep :

- I told him about the cliff Bella.

- What? No! What did you do! You prom...

_you promised._

- Dad, I'm sorry, I knew it was a mistake to go cliff diving by a stormy day, seriously I was a fool. _And I won't do it again! Until you let me go dad._

_I hate lies. But I love Charlie. And I will keep my promise to take care of him._

- Bella, I can't do this anymore, I don't know how to act with you, to make you feel better.. I feel powerless!

- dad, you don't have to, I am fine I swear! I will be alright!

Panic began to spread like a venomous poison in my throbbing chest.

- Bella, I called your mother, she agreed to...

- But dad, I don't want to go to Jacksonville, I like living here!

- You are not going to Jacksonville.

Dumbfounded, I looked at him, he was crying again.

- Where I am going?

- Charlie what are you talking about?

Jacob and I, talked at the same time. I was worried sick. I felt the blood rushing to my head, and I felt a strong nausea. The real nightmare was about to begin.

I heard a car parking next to our house, and like through a glass, saw Charlie stood up and opened the door to two men wearing white scrubs. I looked at them the at Charlie. _For Charlie, for my dad._

They approached me warily, expecting that I was going crazy right in front of them. And maybe that's was the right thing to do. But I promised him to keep Charlie happy. _For Charlie, for my dad._

- Charlie, what are you doing? Who are these men? A frantic Jacob. Why is he yelling at my dad?

- Jake, this is not your business, I will be eternally grateful that you told me the truth, but I can let my only daughter kill herself and watched it without trying to make her feel better. She'll go to a place where there are good doctors and they will help her to mend her heart and to clear her mind.

- Charlie we will be here for her, I beg you don't send her away !

Is he mocking me? He sent me away few days ago, and here he is begging dad like it does matter to him.

_Bella, I can't do this anymore,..._

- Dad, I will go okay? I'm going to pack my belongings.

I saw the hurt in my dad eye's. Did I told him something wrong? _For Charlie, for my dad._

It doesn't matter if I am institutionalized if he's okay with it, I will go there and stay silent, until Charlie will not care about me. Or may be, I can kill myself there, and he will forgot about me. Yeah, besides he will not see my depressing self anymore. That's a good decision, I think. I carried my little bag. There is no need to have a lot of clothes there, is it? I took some photos of Dad and Mom.

- Bella, what are doing? Tell him you won't go! Tell him you want to stay here!

- Jacob, as my father said, you are not concerned about me anymore. You told me very clearly that day, that you will not speak to me anymore and that I am not good enough, so don't be afraid, I won't bother you again. I am very sorry for being such a bad friend, and I understand that you can't bear being near me. So thank you for being there when I needed you. Thank you for making my days shiny when it was a pitch black hole. I never told you this : but I loved you and I will always love you Jacob Black. So thank you for everything. I wish you'll find happiness with someone who will deserve you.

- Dad , I love you more than anything, and if you are happy with this, then I am. You know that I don't like to talk about my feelings a lot, but I will say this and keep it in mind :I didn't regret moving here with you. It was the two best years of my life. So thank you for everything., I love you.

I realize that I loved him fiercely, I loved being here with him, and it saddened me to realize that at a crucial moment. We were the same, we were secretive, shy and introvert. And he respected my decisions.

_Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation._

I shut myself out preventing the pain . For once, I said all the things that were burning in me. I didn't remember hugging my father or Jacob. All what I remembered was the withe scrubs and the green everywhere.

_And __I won't cry, I won't scream. For Charlie, for my dad._

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** So? If you are interested to know who wrote some of the quotes in this chapter, tell me ( there is a part of my own poem :) )!**

**Reviews pls !**


	3. white truth

**Hello everyone! I hope you enjoyed my last chapter! Here is the next!**

**Disclaimer : i don't own Twilight**

**I am waiting for your reviews!**

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I don't remember much when I first arrived at St Anne Institution. I closed my eyes when we left Forks. One of the white scrubs stayed near me, he took my pulse and my blood pressure. I obediently gave him my arms. His blank face seemed to relax a bit, after all I didn't cause a scene when my daddy decided to send me to a mental hospital. I smiled when I remembered that Alice was locked before she was changed; but she wasn't crazy. I didn't write a lot about her, and that was for the best. It hurt me to no end that my sister abandoned me. So I kept her memories in a very far place in my mind.

All what I remembered was a lot of white. Like green seemed to spread everywhere in Forks, I was surrounded by white here. White walls, white scrubs, white doors and sailings. May be they think that's a peaceful color but I could them that this invasion of white gave me a weird feeling of claustrophobia. The two scrubs took me to another one, and I followed them like the white sheep I've become.

They showed me my room, and told me that I was a lucky one because it was individual. Apparently my dad paid more to give me some privacy. Privacy is a weird word in a mental institute, but I will thank him if he called, if he remembered me.

My room was a white cage, with a bed in the corner , a small table and a big window. I sat in the bed. My bed now, and looked waiting for some instruction. What are you supposed to do when you are crazy? I didn't read anything about it, so It was a new concept for me.

Good afternoon Miss Swan, you can rest before you meet your doctor. He will be the main doctor besides an assistant.

Okay, thank you for your concern.

When I laid back into my bed, I thought of all what happened in my life. It was difficult to believe that two years ago, I was the albinos Bella Swan at Phoenix High School. It seemed so old and dull. Like It wasn't me.

Doctor Finns was the doctor they assigned to me. I saw him briefly before returning to my room. He asked me some few questions about my family. As in Charlie and Renee. I didn't tell him about my other family, because they didn't consider me as much. he told me that I would see him two hours each two days, so we can discuss what was bothering me. What bothered me then? Easy answer, my life.

And so began my new life, among other perturbed people. Or suffering patients as gently put it Doctor Finns. Yes, we were all suffering from some pain and it broke us. You can't believe how much people there was there. Yes, people suffers and end their existence in a white cage. Some of them heals may be, but I don't know if they can forget.

Each day was a repetition form the previous one. They would wake up at nine and then gave me my medication, because yes I was ill. PTSD, and aggravated grief. Good diagnostic, it is not? But as far as I am concerned, I would like to add, heart break, soulless trauma. Heartbreak as when you couldn't find your heart anymore and soulless is an illness when you are roaming earth without hope and without purpose because your other half don't love you back.

So, I took my pills, my colorful pills and eat breakfast. Then I would go and see Doctor Finns, he would ask me about my childhood and how I saw my mother. He will question me about my feelings when I didn't see my father a lot.

Silly questions. But I played the game and let him have his way. It was him the doctor after all. After the consulting session, I would go see TV in a big hall, where all the patients were gathered. There were a lot of nurses there. I wondered why they were so many at first, but I had my answer two weeks later. One of the patients, Darell, was his name, began to shake badly and launched at the patient who was nest to him, he tried to strangle him with his bare hands. The nurses reacted quickly and sedated him before they took him to his room.

I was looking after those meeting, when crazy people meet crazy others. It was surrealist. Have you ever read: Veronika decides to die? It was a story about a young woman who tried to kill herself because her life didn't have meaning anymore. When she failed, they took her to the sanatorium, and let her with other patients. She wasn't crazy, but she wrote a troubling letter, that let sane people decide that she won't belong with them anymore. I did feel like Veronika when she tried to understand other people suffering. Maybe she suffered from PTSD as well. She and I shared a lot, we both choose to die. We decided to put an end at our false lives. She had to wait until her heart will give up and I will wait until Charlie let me go. And more importantly, her lover was named like him. _Edward_. But our ends will diverge. Unlike her bright future with him, I will be alone forever. Forever is too long for me. I will choose my own destiny.

Isabella decides to die. Huh, sounds a bit dramatic.

My nights were full of nightmares. They were always filled with _them_. Because I tried to suppress their memories when I was conscientious, they attacked me when I was weak and sleeping. I saw them looking at me with sad eyes in the large place where they played Baseball before going away, then a shadow comes to me and take me. It was so vivid, so troubling. I remembered the same disgusting feeling when James licked my wrist before biting me. I usually woke up screaming murder, and like a play already schemed, two nurses would come to sedate me.

Charlie called me a few times, he sounded sad and defected. He told me that Jacob was always pressuring him to talk to me, but he wouldn't give him the opportunity. Charlie didn't know what he told me that day at Billy's, so he broke all ties with the Black Family. It horrified me to no end. I knew better than anyone, how deep the bond he shared with Billy. I tried to tell him that it wasn't nor Billy nor Jacob fault, but he was stubborn. I guess he will give in when he will be ready.

When Doctor Finns saw how I was broken when I told him about dad's revelation, he looked pissed. I think that he forbid him from calling again before I was feeling better. But when I will be better? I didn't know if I should be relieved that dad wouldn't be calling me, or sad because he was all what I had.

I am causing unnecessary misery to all people I loved. A Worthless girlfriend. A Bad friend and a shameful daughter.

My consulting sessions took another turn when Doctor Finns asked me about him and his family. At first, I stayed silent for two months. I wouldn't speak about them to anyone. I've decided before that I would keep them with me and let them go until the day I will die. But I was feeling better, to tell the truth, I liked living there. It feels like living in another dimension, where people didn't judge you, didn't look at you with pity. And I could stay all the day daydreaming about crazy things without someone interrupting me. May be I became crazy. They say, if you stay with crazy, you'll become one of them.

So I give up and told him about them. I was really curious how he will try to cure me. He was a really good doctor. He listened well to all my ideas and speaks to me like like the teenager I was. I did even better; I told how what he said to me before he left. He had the same look when I told him about the last call with Charlie.

-Bella, what were you feeling when he told you that.

-I thought that he was right, you know, he was beyond perfection and I am so plain.

-didn't you try to stop him from quitting you?

-Huh? No!

-Why? You told me you loved him so much and still love him? So why didn't you fight for him?

-Fight for him?

-Yes, close your eyes now, and tell me what were you thinking that day…

-I felt like I would collapse from pain, but I knew that one day he will go away.

-You knew what?

-that he was too good for me. But I didn't expect that day would arrive so soon.

-So you stayed silent when he broke up with you?

-No! No! I begged him to took me with him, but he told me no, that I didn't belong in his world. And I knew he was right. The tears were pouring from my eyes when I remembered his facial expression. His cold embrace before he disappeared.

- Why didn't you tell him that you couldn't live without him?

-Because I wouldn't ask such thing from him, because I loved him. I loved him so much I couldn't bear he would stay with me for such egoistic reason!

-did his words hut you?

-of course! He said what I feared most! It hurt so much to hear that from him!

-did he knew your insecurities, your fears?

-Yes, he knew that.

-And in spite of that knowledge, he chose to throw those words?

-Yes he did! So what? All what he said was true! I was yelling and crying. He pushed me far this time.

- don't you think he said that to stop you from fighting for him?

I stayed silent and began to think. Was it true? Did he do it intentionally?

-but it doesn't change anything Doctor, even if he did it with purpose, what's done is done.

-Indeed, but it prove you he was the only one that didn't deserve you. To hurt someone and pull all the blame on their insecurities is horrible. He was a coward.

-No, he was right. He and Jake were right you know. They saw the really me and couldn't stay with the true me.

-We will work then on creating a new Bella. A confident and beautiful Bella, we will bring the Bella you think is buried deep inside you.

I sighed before saying : whatever doctor.

-No, don't say that. We will do what you want. I want you to take decisions. Don't let me regent your life like they did.

-Can I give you my answer later? I asked hesitantly.

-Of course my dear, take all of your time.

And after two weeks, I was ready to confront all of my fears. I wasn't a masochist person, really. I knew for sure that my life ended with him, and I didn't abandon my idea of suicide. But I seek comfort and peace before darkness will engulf me forever, is it a bad thing?

I was a weak human after all.

Doctor Finns showed me all the mistakes I did with my previous relationships. He explained how my fear deepened my grief. And I could see, thanks to him that I matured a lot. I understood that it wasn't my fault that they didn't stay. It wasn't my fault that they didn't love me enough.

It didn't lessen my pain, because knowing that he didn't love me like I did was excruciating. But I could understand better. He changed my life so much and wasn't aware of the damage he caused to my heart. But we can't help who we love, did we? My self-loathing disappeared and it was nice to love itself for once.

But Jacob's problem was another thing. Doctor Finns told me that he was a brat, for lack of a better term. he knew too well how much his words would hurt me. He said I should be angered and furious because what he did was cruel and vile, and that he needs to apologize for the pain he caused to me. It didn't matter anymore, because even if he does apologize it won't change a thing. I realize that he did that so I wouldn't pester him anymore. It was weird; I was angry and indifferent at the same time. But when you are on the verge of dying, anger is superficial.

Six months later, Doctor Finns had to quit his job; he told me that there was a case in another state that will require his help. I nearly had a panic attack when he told me that he was leaving. He was the last remaining of my humanity. Dad doesn't call anymore. His last call was a month ago to announce his future wedding. I was happy for him. He will marry Sue Clearwater.

So everyone will be happy.

The next doctor won't have much therapy with me, because I, Isabella Marie Swan, decide to die.

_I will do it for me._

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**So Bella is more mature now, but where does it lead her?**

**To learn what I have in store for her , reviews!**_  
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